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Take Back Time, Part Three: The Wall

There will be times in your life when you feel like you just can’t go on, like some insurmountable obstacle lies in your way, and the ladder you had been climbing now lies in tatters on the floor.

It may be that you had been moving forward your whole life to escape something in your past, or you were blissfully ignorant until it all came crashing down around you.

Whatever the crisis is, internal or external, you’ll feel like you’ve hit The Wall.

This is where I found myself…

But it’s important to know that it’s not your fault.

Though you are blinded to the future by the pain you feel today, this will be the strength you find when you look back tomorrow.

Downward Spiral

So I’d worked hard all my life to be where I was, and at the ripe age of just 26 I was out in this famous world. I had achieved everything I set out to accomplish, everything I had set out to become.

I had a good education, I had this job thing that people were supposed to have, I had a partner whom I thought I loved and a place to call my own that I thought I liked.

But I was still afraid…

I was afraid of losing my job, I was afraid of not being able to pay my rent, I was afraid that my partner didn’t really love me, that I wasn’t really who I thought I was, or where I thought I was supposed to be…

And I would still lie awake at night and think about losing everything and about that black hole that lies beyond….

And then one day I really did lose it all…

I lost my job and my home and my girlfriend left me through depression. Everything that I had built my whole life up to be was suddenly crumbling around me and I felt like I was falling in a downward spiral.

I felt like the walls were closing in on me, the reaper had come and he was at my door again…

I had to move back to my home town and live on my friend’s sofa.

I tried to disguise my feelings around my friends by drinking, but to me it was a s transparent as water.

I had no energy and would take long baths during the day and cry to myself.

And the living room where I slept had no door, and one night I was lying there, and my two friends were in bed with their girlfriends, and all I could hear was the not so subtle sounds of their love making…

And I was terribly ill with a fever because I’d been selling my body to medical science to make money to eat and had been made to take immunosuppressants…

And I had a panic attack, because I thought I was going to die, and I got off the sofa and was out of my mind, and I went to my friend’s door…

And I knocked but I was so afraid I couldn’t even speak, and he came to the door with a bat…

And he had to call the hospital and get a doctor to calm me down…

And the next day my friend wouldn’t talk to me and could I tell him why I had knocked…?

No! Because I was still terrified…

You see no matter where we are in life, whether we’re happy and have everything we’ve ever wanted, or we have nothing and have nothing to lose anyway…

That fundamental fear, that thing that keeps us awake at night, that wakes us up in the morning with a fright…

If you do not face it, it will always follow you…

If you do not speak it, it will take your voice away…

If you do not own it, it will own your life…

So what did I do…?

I had no house, no job, no partner, and I had outstayed my welcome…

I ran away.

In Part Four…

In part four I’m going to tell you about my two journeys.

You see a person really goes through two journeys in their life; and external journey, and an internal journey. And though we may be aware of the external journey, we are often unaware of the transformation that it happening inside.

Subscribe to get email notifications and look out for Part Four: The Journey

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